I finished. I'm done with it. I tried so hard, but there's nothing to show but a C+, B, B+, B, A, A, A. Don't get me wrong- I'm happy about my grades, but at the same time I didn't deserve them really, I slacked so much during the semester. Really, who gives a fuck about my grades. There's nothing to show... my portfolio is a mess of last minute disarray. I need to focus my energy- make a significant contribution to this fucked up little book of anger and nonsense nonsense (my journal)- significant poems, significant songs... maybe I just feel like everyone can and has said it better, so just leave it them. What's my contribution- the same old same old, what is that even?

On Identity While Listening to Folk Music:
Read at the Burnt Toast in Boulder, Colorado on January 30, 2008

The black suffering in this country was defined by the color of skin, the construction of race created by the hands of white aristocrats. Today is their suffering still defined as so? In many ways yes, because white America is still in debt to them, they still haven't paid the price and perhaps never will, America is still racist, there is still discrimination and there is segregation of communities- black, white, hispanic, indian, native american, chinese, etc. In Modernism people defined themselves as the New Negro, the New Woman, the New Artist, the New dramatist, but now there are so many subdivisions that this type of definition is irrelevant. These identities needed to be found out of Victorianism, they needed to be defined, because they were simply being ignored. Now they need to be redefined again, because there are babies who are African, Irish, Philippine, and Japanese. Where is there genre? What is there culture? What is there music? Where are they defined in society?
How do we identify ourselves? How do the privileged define their suffering, those whose grandparents weren't discriminated against in this meaningless construct of race? For me an Anglo-Saxon- but just defining that, what does that even mean- it doesn't have meaning for me like an African American who is proud they survived racial discrimination, in touch with the history of suffering their family was engulfed, or a Jew whose grandparents survived the greatest genocide in history, or a Mexican who jumped the fence into this country to make a better life. What is my culture? What is my suffering?
Is it that I'm a woman and have many times felt the effects of that? Is it that my mother's family were coal miners, drenched in sweat and fumes to buy food at the mining store in which they received rations? Is it that my great grandmother was half Cherokee, an illegitimate child, born to be hidden? Is it that I grew up hating myself for the way I always wanted to be a boy? Is it that I've been fed a religion in which I've never believed, but am forced to hide this from the people I love? Is it that my sister had a baby that she won't ever talk about? Is it that I might kill myself if I stop taking a medication that others regularly abuse, and I may be abusing as well? Is it that I'm white and christian and privileged and I hate that? Yeah.
This is my identity, because these are my experiences, these are my sufferings, this is my history, my culture. I've always wanted another one- I've always wanted the sufferings of an American indian or a black or a latino, because I want the pride that comes with it, the history, the culture. I've realized that the human experience is unique to each individual person. A black man from London, that grew up there, ancestors live there- wouldn't have the same pride as a black man from New Orleans, but he should have equal pride because he is unique and his sufferings are unique to his family and to him.
This is post-modernism. Destroying the constructs of race, gender, height, weight, while keeping culture alive in the hearts of millions whose experiences radically differ. This is post-modernism. Redefining the human experience.
Modernism broke free from Victorianism- the complete control of white males over wealth, class, and power. Post-Moderism will break free again, this time from the movements defined in Modernism- the New Women, the New Negro, the New Art, the New Theatre. It will continue to shard out of Modernism, the people whose sufferings were not represented individually will create their own. The genres and categories of music and art and language will digress, will break apart, so there is no defining role as we know it. Latin, Hip-Hip, Progressive Rock, Celtic, Folk, Trance, Punk- each defines a group of people, a type of influence, a culture, a lifestyle. My music should be all of them combined, because my influences do not simply exceed one genre, they transcend numerous genres. America is a melting pot, so why is our music and our art so defined as 'black art' as 'latin music' as 'female writing.' Shouldn't this be the stopping point of this construct of race, this single chromosome that effects pigment of skin depending on how much vitamin B your skin needs to let in? It does not fucking matter. Shouldn't this be the stopping point of inequalities in gender, something that defines us as a physical being, but not as a mind and a will and a soul, and isn't that what matters. Shouldn't this be the point in which men take responsibility for their children, in which families come together, in which experiences collide- yet we avoid the things and the people that look physiologically different than us.
We all suffer. We're all animals waiting for the slaughter. We all have our own melding of culture, of experience, of life, and we need to come together, yet still be separate. This is Post-modernism. We need to come together against this government and this society in which race and gender and culture and genre are still segregated. We need to meld together, we need to procreate together, we need to experience together, so that our children can grow up in a place in which they find identify rather than self hatred, in which they can find unique culture and unique stories in every branch of their family tree, in which they can breath art and music physically as well as spiritually- because that is what defines us as humans, what makes us different than drowning dogs. We create music, we create art, we create beauty in the pages of our suffering, we create beauty in uniqueness, we meld together colors on a page and it makes some else we've never met in the world cry. We have the resources, but do we have the techniques required for Post-Modernism, are we ready for this digital world in which we've so humbly created? Do we have the courage to step outside? Do we have the power, or is it still in the hands of white aristocrats?

On Identifying Yourself as a Post-Modern Artist:

The moment you awaken from the bubble of adolescence, like a baby dropped from third story window, you understand finally what it means to have an identity crisis. Anyone that did something in high-school was the best at what they did, outside they find themselves insignificant, arrogant, and questioning the childhood ideals that are irreversibly attached to the concept of themselves. For some of us christian suburban kids, our questioning might have gone something like- who is God? Does he even exist? Did people treat me fairly for who I am? Who the hell am I without my parents? Where is truth? How can a find truth?
If you are an aspiring artist, that is anyone who relies on their creativity to squeak by in life, then you begin to wonder how to identify yourself as an artist, as well as a person influenced by diverging cultures. What are your skills as an artist? Organization of thoughts? Characterization in fiction? Then, what are your goals? This really is one of the most important questions you will ever ask, not in which form do you better express yourself. Because in Post-modernism, form will become irrelevant, simply because of technology. The internet allows for combining of mediums, digital film is the combination of mediums- the ability for everyone to do something if they so choose. One artist can write a novella, make a visual spectacle of art, play music- perform both audio and visual at the same time, art can be one thing.
I am currently in this stage, of defining my goals as an artist. Also, I have been recently trying to find my role in history- as part of a chain of movements. Studying this history however is not the end result, learning these influences is merely the first step in breaking the limitations of the art form itself and the boundaries these influences place on us. The decision of whether you want to focus on writing, film, or music seems irrelevant when you look at the bigger framework of ideas and goals you have for your expression. I have chosen to study film, music, and creative writing, as well as creating art visually as in photography and painting. There has always been a decision for me, but I see so much potential in all forms of art. Why not combine them? Why not bring back the circus, a digital circus? Why not bring back the experience of Bohemia and art like in the turn of the last century? Why not use the movement of the 1960's as momentum rather than as a memory? Why not, why not, because you have to meet someone at Starbucks in half an hour? Because you can't see the need or the suffering? That's just because we're good at hiding. I know you can see it. I know you can see it in the eyes of middle-class America watching Dr. Phil for hours, picking their split ends, filing into doctor's rooms to refill a prescription that they don't even need.
I know you can see it.
I know you can see it.
So why not do something in the only way we know how, why not start a movement, why not create art with a purpose other than masturbation, why not, what the hell are we waiting for, why is it 2008 and Post-modern art is yet to rear it's ugly head at the masses, why not use this technology to make and spread art when it has advanced pornography to it's limits already? We all know the difference between jacking off to a tape of pornography and making pure love in a pounding rhythm of verse and drum. The world doesn't know the difference. The world doesn't see the difference, because no one has given it to them in the way they can understand. So why not us? Why not now?

On Finding Truth: Mine is found when writing offensive jargon on napkins then systematically leaving them for others to find.
A.H. Lotterhos

John Milton wrote Paradise Lost after having lucid dreams and visions, he wasn't even a writer or a poet when he began. He felt as if it were his duty, his calling, and he found both passion in truth in writing the pages of Paradise Lost. For each person it seems that truth can be found at the end (not necessarily meaning death) of their own individual journey. To find truth, you must first find passion. Passion can be found in thousands of different forms, ones passion could be painting, writing, running, or even constructing the perfect McDonald's double cheeseburger. With this said, I have realized that certain ideologies I was brought up with, and have always rejected even at a young age, will not lead me to truth at this stage in my life. Most times we must reject everything that we know and have been raised with in order to readjust ourselves to the overall reality of the world. For example- Christianity tells us that we are special, made by God, and like unique, delicate snowflakes, but if we look up at the sky he created and instantly feel insignificant, then should we not readjust what we previously believed? Wouldn't it then be better to say that humans are innately unique to the earth, but our daily lives and wants are completely insignificant in the whole scheme of the universe? To me this seems necessary when obtaining knowledge. We cannot just try to fit knowledge in our little boxes of ideology and then reject everything that doesn't fit, but expand our boxes to fit as much knowledge of the world we can obtain in our situation. If that means the most knowledge we can obtain is about flipping burgers, and flipping burgers is our passion, then truth will come to us when we have achieved the most perfect flip achievable. All this is being said after cramming for my Philosophy exam. Maybe this doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but the real point is that clean cut comfortable christian white surroundings won't get a clean cut comfortable christian white anywhere. You have to experience things in order to reject them, you have to give up everything you thought you knew and trudge through life without getting mud on your shoulders.

How to Reach Enlightenment, or get laid, or hopefully both
A.H. Lotterhos

First you must realize that art is a reflection, a practice of contemplation, a world where you can flee and hide, then awaken with something to give to others, so they can commend you on how smart you are. At this point an artist can do one of two things- they can return immediately to inner reflection and become a slave to the process, or become a slave to arrogance. Meeting people along the way of your journey is essential, but to treat them like a step ladder is simply bad Karma. The people around you are not tools, but other entities trying to reach the same enlightenment, to produce art and beauty. No matter what people influence your art or your journey, ultimately the final product awakens from your act and discipline of reflection, and the pure steps of process you take to achieve a final product. With this said, these are my steps to rudimentary reflection:
1. take out the goddamn trash already
2. distance yourself from all daily tasks and daily desires- eat a healthy lunch, masturbate, take a shower, get dressed, make an outline of the day, take a dump, and scream at the world for being so shitty
3. be in silence in a comfortable room, or be outside in nature, take a walk to a place that you've never been, catch a bus and just ride somewhere, if you have the money then by all means travel.
4. get into a reflective state- some prefer to do this completely sober, some with a bottle of whiskey, others with a hash pipe, or a mushroom. I would recommend try them all if comfortable, after throughly researching, and when you are in the right stage of your life.
5. focus on the qualities of your craft- the pen, the paper, the film, the camera, the paint, the canvas, and the limitive qualities of each. For each craft there is a specific object to focus on- for poetry it is the image, for fiction it is the word, for photography it is the light, for theater it is space, and so on.
6. focus on how you can expand the limitive qualities of each craft- for example, in poetry, the limitive qualities are in somewhat of this order: the image must fit into words, the words must fit into language, the language must fit into lines, and the lines must fit on the page. What are the ways to expand these limits? What limits are necessary for the image you want to capture? Are there concepts better suited to go beyond the limits of the page- like say expanded to several pages, or written across a wall, or expanded on a canvas or a series of canvases, and so on.
7. reflect on your inner self- what do you feel about the image or the light, what are the emotions burning inside that you've never expressed, what are the things that are hardest to say?
8. Disillusion yourself from the properties of the craft itself- the image and what emotions are captured through the image, the words- you know what sounds good or what doesn't, so trust yourself and don't let the process be overrun with thoughts of the final product, like how intelligent am I that I thought of this? Is my mom going to read this? Who is going to appreciate this? These thoughts will single handedly destroy your reflection, and perhaps ultimately destroy your passion for your craft. Art has no real purpose, it's purpose is only to exist.
8. let yourself go, let yourself explore, make mistakes and don't erase them, try something you've never tried before.
9. when you've finished, put it down for a good couple days, let it set in, and take yourself away from the process and the emotions.
10. go back and revise- try to look at your work objectively, like you just picked it up off the shelf and it is in a published work, or a final stage, then go from there.
11. have a community of people that you can share your work with, people who's work you really respect or enjoy, people you trust and share life with
12. get it published somewhere, even if it is not the publication which you aspire to be in- Stephan Graham Jones once said to a group of students- "there is nothing that makes you feel more like a writer, than receiving a paycheck."
13. repeat steps 1 through 13.

Lots of things to report- to many for document really. I'm overwhelmed and need to get in line with everything- relations, music, school, and junk. ("The love you give is the love you get.") I need to get everything straight and fixed and full- but after a few long years I still don't know how to do that. I set so many goals, but I'm too hard on myself- so I get frustrated when I can't acheive any of them, and it is only because I focus on too many and not just one at a time.
This weekend was a 20 hour trip. Dangerous business- 151 on a moving bus means reversing all digestive systems into one small metal toilet incapable of flushing. The bus broke down, leaving bags and my drums behind. Butters was drooling incesant long strands beside me, sleeping against his yellow crab stuffed animal. Hours seemed to stretch out on the desert highway, the faint smell of alchohal and sweat lingering. Two fat band girls are trying to make Ralphie in tape on the window. His head is way to big... Everything in my life is made into love hate relationships- trips, television, triviality. There are strings attached in every way- spider webbed irritation, physical and mental exhaustation followed by cool floating paradise and clean focused music. So is it worth the pain, the effort, the motion sickness, the flurries of absolute burning heat? Will I find my jasmine and geranium?
Just focus
focus
focus